Wanted: OSI Investigators To Send More Teachers To The Rubber Room

In today's Chief , the Civil Service Newspaper, there is an advertisement for investigators for the DOE's Office Of Special Investigations (OSI). I guess it is important to remove more teachers from the classroom. 800+ teachers are just not enough for Tweed. I have taken the liberty to slightly alter the DOE advertisement for OSI investigators below to what the DOE really wants.

Minimum Selection Criteria: To be an OSI investigator the successful applicants must be a high school graduate who has benefited from the DOE's "credit recovery system" and holds grudges against their teachers. Further, ex-law enforcement personnel that were accused of false arrest and fired are especially sort after and the DOE will waive the college credit requirements for these investigators. Documented bias against teachers are a plus.

Duties And Responsibilities: The successful applicant must be able to develop a case, based upon a lying student statement or a vindictive administrator's "false accusation" and not let the facts interfere with a good story that substantiates teacher misconduct. The OSI investigator must be able to twist, embellish, and pervert innocent teacher actions into serious misconduct that results in termination charges against the teacher. To be selected the potential OSI investigator must show the ability to lie about the teacher and sleep soundly at night. Most importantly, the applicant must show that all teachers investigated are presumed guilty while all administrators are presumed innocent. Finally, the OSI investigator must be able to ignore student or administrator inconsistencies that could hurt the case against the teacher and ask leading questions to solicit the proper responses. Most importantly, the successful applicant must show how well he or she disregards a teacher's statement and believes the student, regardless of the past history of lying and bad behavior.

Salary Requirements: The salary range is $54,267 - $70,395 and promotions are based upon how many teachers are found guilty and terminated. Reports that are accurate and finds the teacher at no or little fault are not encouraged and can lead to the investigator's dismissal.

DOE is an equal opportunity employer and the only requirements for the OSI investigator is a driver's license, fake or real, and a dedication to get the accused teacher terminated regardless if the charges are true or not.